Sephiroth and the Phone Calls
by FayrieFox
Summary: Sephiroth learns that he need to be more careful when answering the phone, especially if it's Zack on the other line. Based off quotes from twigcollins and thorne scratch. -crack-
1. Chapter 1

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This is based off of ThorneScratch and twigcollins' beautiful collection of things Sephiroth has spoken on the phone that he never thought he'd have to. It is on LJ: thorne-scratch./145125.html?thread2005733

Sorry it's so short.

If anything seems glaringly off about anything/one, tell me please. Also read 'n' review, pretty please...puppyeyes

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**In Which Sephiroth Is Properly Inducted Into What It Means To Be In Charge Of Zack**

Sephiroth strode into his office on the 96th floor of the Shinra tower, relieved to be out of the clutches of President Shinra and the other department heads. Sitting in his desk he found a note from his friend Zack's former superior officer and trainer, Angeal. Opening it he found a short, neatly-written message in Angeal and, surprisingly, Genesis' handwriting.

_Zack made First recently, you're now his superior officer and responsible for him. I hope you kept all that bootlegged stuff from Cosmo Canyon and Gongaga Zack gave you for the holidays. Please don't shoot your answering machine._

_-Angeal_

_You're going to need it all. I suggest you stock up on more. Goddess be with you._

_- Genesis_

Sephiroth blinked at the note for a moment before crumpling it up and throwing it in the trash just as the phone rang and his secretary entered the room with some papers for him to sign.

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**Two weeks later:**

Kira walked into Sephiroth's office with a sheaf of papers regarding a joint SOLDIER/Shinra general trooper training mission on complaints of a monster infestation. So far it'd been a pretty normal day, except for when that idiot Palmer, who took _lard_ (of all things!) in his tea, came through the halls, two hours late for work, raging that his car was missing.

The instant she stopped in front of her boss' desk she knew the (relative) normalcy of the day was up.

"No, I don't think Palmer's car can run underwater… Yes, even if you try real hard." Sephiroth spoke into the phone wearily with a harried look on his face. On the other end Kira could vaguely hear the voice of one Zack Fair. As usual his voice was full of an insane joy for life and mischief and today it held no small bit of trouble and chaos.

"No, even if the car does run, I doubt the phone is going to work once you're underwater. Zack, just bring the car back, leave it at Palmer's mistress's house for all I care, just bring it back NOT full of water….I don't know, let me ask Kira."

Looking at her he asked, "Does Palmer have a mistress?"

"Not unless it's as of today. Tell him to leave it outside the Honey Bee. They check their lot around noon everyday to make sure any of their customers who left their vehicles got them back. If it's still there they call them at the number they have. If they don't know whose it is they do a license check." She told him.

"Did you hear that? Good. You have one hour….No, one hour and that's it….ONE. Good-bye." With that he hung up, and sat staring at the phone for a moment before reaching out to take the papers Kira held. "Angeal and Genesis weren't kidding. This is the third time this week he's done something like this, and last week he apparently kidnapped a general trooper. I'm not sure what Angeal meant about shooting the answering machine, though…"

"The Turks got a new guy a few weeks back. Batshit insane. Keeps leaving Tseng with all sorts of crazy shit on his answering machine when he loses his temper he shoots it. Been driving Elena and Rude up walls, too. He called Tseng when he was drunk the other day, left him with a few lines of 'Copacabana.' He's not all that bad of a singer, actually.

"How do you always know everything that goes on with the Turks? And where were you that you heard him singing? Not to mention about the Honey Bee." Sephiroth asked her but before she could answer and he could figure out the suddenly worrisome look on her face Hojo busted in, entirely red-faced.

"One of my test subjects is missing and I know that that Soldier First acquaintance of yours has it! I want it back now! Or else!" Hojo bawled.

All Sephiroth could do was look at the man at tell him that Zack had been running errands all day and hadn't been anywhere near Hojo's labs for the last week. Kira slipped out after that and nearly ran to the women's bathroom where she fell to the floor laughing and gasping for breath.

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	2. Chapter 2

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I do have permission from TwigCollins and ThorneScratch to do these fanfics, so don't worry. I did just realize, though, that I'm not entirely certain that some of the quotes I use/sorta paraphrase aren't ones that I found in the comments section...-.-;; I'm so sorry! If you realize that I have done this to you please tell me.

Here is the pretteh in its original habitat (you'll need to remove the spaces): http:// thorne-scratch. livejournal. com /145125. html

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters within, aside from Kira. Nor do I own the inspiration behind it. I merely found said inspiration, scared the living dayllights out of my poor mother laughing, and wrote.

**In Which One Learns Why Zack Is Not Not Allowed In the 63****rd**** Floor Bar or the Bi-monthly BS Tournament**

All he could feel was a sense of horrified déjà vu. The phone had rung and he, not knowing the horrors that lay on the other line, had answered it.

Worst idea he'd ever had. Again.

A minute later Kira looked up from where she was lounged on the couch with an ice pack on her head at a barely heard comment from the other end of the line.

"Knock it off wi-hic- th the pigtails!"

"Who's in pigtails?" Sephiroth's hand started twitching, "You, Dobbins, and Cloud? Who's Cloud?... You put pigtails on your chocobo?"

"He means one of the Shinra regular troopers, sir." Kira told him helpfully.

"Chocobo?"

"It's his hair. I'll get you a picture as soon as I can, sir."

"Thank you Kira. Why are you in pigtails?" At the answer he let his head droop to his desk, putting the phone down next to his head and pressed the speakerphone button. All Kira could do was stare in near shock.

"…-hic- then Fall said that whoever lost the bet, 'Cept I wasn't allowed to play, I hadta hope -hic- that Cloud would win. Only Cloud can't play BS -hic- 'gainst Kimley. Even I gotsta be cone sold stober to beat him. An' I wasn't. But I wasn't playin him, Cloud was-"

"Zack. Why. Exactly. Are you. In pigtails?" Sephiroth's hand was twitching dangerously close to his paperweight, a three-pound bronze dragon he'd gotten in Wutai.

"Cloud lost -hic- the card game. So now me'n him'n Dobbins gotta go round under the Pl-hic-ate in drag. Fall, Urick, 'n' Voltaire had'ta go round in their underwear. 'Cept Voltaire couldn't cause his brother's sick and his brother couldn't -hic- watch him. He wouldn'ta done it anyways, betcha he's got teddybears on 'is boxers. -hic-"

Sephiroth looked at the phone in horror at the thought of what they'd have had to do to get one of the most stiff-backed Soldier Firsts to go out drinking and agree to such a game, let alone sit by and watch as a squad worth of Soldier Firsts and Seconds got soused. Quickly, though, his brain caught up with Zack's exact words.

Staring at the phone in unadulterated terror, Sephiroth could just get out one word.

"Underwear?"

"Yuppers! -hic- Urick's got rubber duckies on his boxers! Fall wears briefs. -hic-" An appreciative noise came from Kira, "You an' -hic- everybody else on the street, Kira. Then some -hic- cops came around and dragged them off fer some reason … -hic-"

"Wandering the streets in merely your underwear is not generally acceptable." Was all he could tell the other man in his dumbstruck state.

"Yeah but we were all born nekkid -hic- anyways. What's the big deal? The cops said they'd give'em back once they weren't drunked no more. -hic- So don't worry 'bout being short people!"

For some odd reason Sephiroth found himself adjusting to the situation, almost to the point of accepting what was going on. It really shouldn't have been as surprising as it was, considering Zack.

"Trust me when I say this Zack: that was the last thing to cross my mind."

"Shit, this skirt keeps -hic- blowing up. Is Kira there?"

"Right here Zack. I'm not lending you fishnets if that's what you were going to ask." Kira told him from where she was standing by the desk, having given up on her attempt to get in a quick rest.

"I know. But when the skirt flips -hic- the whole street gets a good look at my -hic- premium Soldier ass."

Kira's eyes went wide and her mouth began to pull up into a smirk. She looked to Sephiroth.

"General, sir, why don't I go down there to bring them all back and deliver a pair of shorts to-"

"Let's not, hmm?" Sephiroth cut in evenly, "That way we don't have to worry about the pictures you'd inevitably take falling into the wrong hands. Now Zack, I want you all to put your proper clothes on and come back to the compound immediately."

"Aww! But Sephy! We're having fun -hic- " a soft, bewildered 'We are?' came from Zack's end of the line, "'O course we are Cloud! 'Sides, all our clothes are -hic- back at the bar and the owner ain't letting us back in till we're -hic- sober! Ain't they Reno?"

Sephiroth and Kira looked at one another in horror as an equally soused affirmative was sounded, before springing into action. Sephiroth hung up on the drunken party and quickly put in a call to Tseng, as Kira ran to call down for a car to be readied, throw her gun in its holster, and grab her and Sephiroth's coats. In the background Sephiroth's brief conversation could be heard.

"It's Reno and Zack. The two of them and some of Zack's Soldier friends were betting while drinking. Several were arrested for public indecency and several more are still on the lam in women's garb without underthings. Be in the garage in five minutes….Yes, please do." With that he hung up and, grabbing his jacket from Kira, ran out the door and into the elevator, PHS in hand. Kira patted the camera she kept in her jacket pocket for occasions like this with satisfaction.

Once they were in the elevator he called Zack to bark one last order, "Put some pants on. Now. I mean it. What do you mean Strife is being sexually accosted? Then get him away from them and into some pants as well! Immediately Zack!"

Kira's hand went to the gun in her other jacket pocket while her eyebrow twitched.

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Thirty minutes later they pulled up in separate Shinra issue vehicles in front of the church where Zack was sitting on the steps with Dobbins, Kimley, and a blond who Sephiroth assumed to be Cloud. Zack had Cloud on the step below him with his arms hanging on his shoulders and his chin on his head grinning like the cat that had eaten the canary. Cloud, on the other hand had a miserable, terrified look on his face like a chocobo who'd gotten into the garbage, even though he knew better, and been caught.

Kimley and Dobbins were leaning back on the stairs laughing at something or other, Sephiroth and Kira doubted they wanted to know. As it was they were too busy trying to get the view they had up Dobbins' skirt out of their minds. This time Kira did pull the gun out of her jacket and point it at Dobbins who stopped laughing along with Kimley and sat up straight with his legs pulled together.

"Thank you, Dobbins." Sephiroth said in a calm monotone that disguised his inner harassed feeling, "Dobbins. Kimley. In the van, now. Dobbins there are pants for you on the back seat. Zack, passenger seat in the van. There are pants for you as well." So saying he turned to the van to get in.

"C'mon, Cloud, sweetness. You're riding with me. There are some pants and a shirt for you in the car. You can change on the way to the bar to get your clothes." Kira coaxed Cloud. Once they had gotten in and Cloud had shimmied the pants on in the backseat and was putting on a shirt she turned to ask him one question, "Where the hell is Reno?"

"Well, about that…" Cloud near whispered, obviously hesitant, as he jerked his head down to his shoulder but not fast enough to see what had been hidden by the tall collar on the women's blouse he'd been wearing.

"What the hell happened to your neck Cloud?! Is that a hickey? Reno did it didn't he. That little shit, he's done it this time. Why didn't Zack stop him? Where is he Cloud?"

Kira's arm was twitching in what looked scarily like she was trying to fire a rifle; she had lived in a backwater town afterall, he reminded himself. Out in the middle of nowhere everybody needed to know some way of protecting themselves, and it was usually firearms for women. Though…Cloud did remember Zack saying something was off about Kira's files before, about ten to fifteen years of her life were missing; but then, so were those of plenty of people who lived in the boondocks. About seven years or more were missing for most of the older Nibelheim residents.

"It's…a hickey. Um, Zack left me with Reno so he could beat up some guy who grabbed my…at me. When he came back he saw Reno…um, yeah…so he almost attacked him except Rude showed up and dragged Reno off."

"So Rude dragged him off, huh?" Kira whipped out her cell phone and hit the speed dial, " Sir? This is Kira. The Turks have custody of Reno. According to Cloud, Reno was the instigator of all this."

"I never said that!"

Zack's voice came over the phone corroborating Cloud's supposed confession along with Kimley's and Dobbins' agreements.

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For the next three weeks the Turks had Reno under 'house arrest.' Those that had been present that night or had been told of what had happened preferred to call it protective custody.

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	3. Chapter 3

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Look! An update! Very short though, sorry bout that. Part two should be longer and up by the end of the week if I have my way with it.

By the way I feel I should mention this now even though it doesn't really apply to this chapter: Don't attempt any of the pranks Zack or (heaven forbid) Reno do.

**Inappropriate Work Situations: Part 1**

Zack was sprawled out on Sephiroth's office couch after his latest caper roaring with laughter over Kira and Elena's reactions.

After a time Zack was finally able to catch his breath and just sat there listening to Sephiroth's mouse clicking.

"Hey Seph?" he suddenly asked, "Tomorrow's casual Friday right?"

"Hmm? Yes, it is." The other male replied.

"Sweet."

"Well, seeing as it's almost ten I'm heading out. You might wanna too Seph. Night!"

Sephiroth stared at the door for a moment and picked up the phone.

"Tseng? It's Sephiroth. Has Reno mentioned anything about tomorrow being Casual Friday? Where? For how long? Two weeks? Did you warn him about the sake and wasabi? Ahh, well he does deserve that nasty shock. Thank you for taking that worry from me. No, Zack was just asking about it. If you have any problems shoot him first and ask questions later this time just to be on the safe side. Thank you."

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**Last Time:**

Sephiroth strode into his office and sat down at his desk, sighing. He couldn't help but be annoyed whenever this would happen; he came to work in leather pants and jacket with no shirt every other day for the love of chocobos! But have him walk in wearing blue jeans and a button-up shirt and a dress jacket and the whole building went straight to hell. What was it about him wearing normal clothes for once that sent the majority of secretaries and all the other people who worked in the building into the bathrooms with bloody noses?

The phone rang and startled Sephiroth from his moping. After blinking at it for a moment he answered it.

"General Sephiroth speaking." The man said curtly, it didn't even take the person on the other line a full sentence until Sephiroth sighed and started rubbing his forehead.

"Put him on please, Tseng…Zack? Zack put the pants on, I mean it. And boxers don't count as pants."

Sephiroth paused as Zack tried to explain but he just got confused over what he was trying to say.

"Zack stop. Look, just because it's casual Friday doesn't mean you can come in without pants on."

At Zack's loud response Sephiroth paled.

"What do you mean Strife's in drag? Is it one of those division initiations?...RENO did?!"

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	4. Chapter 4

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Even Zack dresses up for Halloween! Can you guess what of two things he's being?

Remember that warning from the last chapter? About not doing as Zack and Reno say or do? That applies to this chapter. Though you can put someone in a dryer and start it with the door open if they're small enough to fit, there's just a thing someone needs to hold down. Not that my brothers and I have ever tried that mind you. Still it isn't safe and you shouldn't do it; I was just saying.

I feel like the story's kinda missing something but w/e. Read and review please!

**Inappropriate Work Situations Part 2**

Sephiroth stood from his desk and walked to the hot plate on a file cabinet along the wall and began to make himself a cup of tea. Right as the pot started to hiss his phone began to play some new song Zack had programmed into his phone to play when he called. Hojo calling caused the phone to emit some sort of horrifying hamster singing; he was fairly certain he'd seen it in the labs growing up. Sighing he placed the tea leaves into the pot to steep and answered the phone, hitting speaker so he could keep an eye on the tea.

"Hello Zack. What have you managed to get yourself into in the three hours since you left the office?"

"Aw! C'mon Seph! Have some faith in me!"

"I do. I figured It'd take you at least five hours to get in trouble. Now, tell me what happened and did you drag Strife into it?"

"Of course I didn't drag Cloud into it and I was on a mission so don't lose your faith in me yet." Zack laughed, "You know how I was going on a mission to that old, abandoned clothing factory? We were supposed to check for the stolen documents of Scarlet's?" Sephiroth made a wary noise of affirmation as Zack went on. "Well it might not have been as abandoned as we thought."

"What do you mean by that? Were there monsters nesting there?"

"Well no monsters but there were the terrorists that stole the documents in the first place. And giant vats of clothing dye."

"Zack…"

"I didn't try to honest. I was chasing one of the guys along the platforms up near the tops of the vats and I jumped at him to stop him and we both went in. I am now a lovely shade of cerulean. Despite my resemblance to a smurf I'm told my new complexion really brings out my eyes."

"You know that sentence made absolutely no sense to me and I don't think it's because I haven't any idea what a smurf is."

"What? How can you not know what a smurf is?! They're these little blue things that run around in little white hats and little shoes and-"

"Zack!"

"Sorry, hey boss do you think since I'm blue and all I could maybe-" Again, Sephiroth cut off the other man.

"Zack I don't care what color you are, you still have to come into work tomorrow."

"Aw! But Seph, I'm blue! How can I come into work tomorrow blue?"

"The same way you do every day I would imagine. Just make sure the dye isn't permanent."

"How should I do that?"

"Take a bath and use a scrub wash would probably be the best way to start."

"Ooh!, will you-"

"No. Do it yourself." With that Sephiroth nearly slammed his finger onto the 'end call' button.

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An hour later Sephiroth 's phone rang again and, sighing as he saw Reno's name on his caller ID, he answered again.

"Reno," He said impatiently, in the background he could hear loud thumping and hollering. He thought he could hear bets being laid. "What can I help you with?"

"Not Reno, Seph. Just me –ow!" the 'ow' corresponded with a quite loud thunk.

"Zack what are you doing with Reno's phone?" The silver-haired man asked before he could stop himself.

"Mine went out while I was in the washer. So I borrowed Reno's to let you know the dye won't come off." The phone started to fizz out, "Ow! Damn, the phone's getting really hot."

Sephiroth, staring at the phone, couldn't help but feel his eyes grow wide as he linked Zack's comments and the background noise with his new coloring. "Zack? Are you in a laundromat dryer right now?"

"No, even I wouldn't be so dumb as to go in one of those old pieces of crap. I'm in one of the new dryers they got in the SOLDIER locker room. Don't worry; the door isn't closed the whole way."

"Zack, ignoring the dangers of residing in an activated washer or dryer door open or otherwise, you do realize that going in the dryer with the dye still on you will only set it in more firmly, don't you?"

"Shit!" Sephiroth heard and the line went dead.

The man rubbed his forehead and hit the 'end call' button for the second time in the last hour or so. He decided to leavethe phone on to wait for anymore calls from Zack or any others calling about his shenanigans despite his plans for the night.

Which happened almost like clockwork an hour later while he was dozing on his couch.

Making sure the phone wasn't on speaker this time and talking softly so as not to wake the person half sprawled across him, he answered the call.

"Hello? Building security?...Yes I understand, put him on please. Zack what happened?...You tried out all the washers in the SOLDIER and the building security locker rooms? No, I didn't realize we had building security either…" As the other person on the couch with him started to stir he smoothed his hand over their head and back to soothe them back into sleep, "How many washers did you break?...That many?...Well of course they're upset with you…They want you to pay how much to replace them? Huh, and what have we learned from this? That's right, washing machines are not toys."

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	5. Chapter 5

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This chapter is kinda annoyingly short. So I finished this chapter and noticed I'd done something wrong and left a loophole. So if you notice something funny it's because of that and let me know so I can fix it please?

Friglit: Seph knows better than to mess around with floozies. The person on the couch is someone important to him.

love-lost-in-the-grave: I want Vincent so bad but I don't know ho~~~ow! Wait, maybe I do. Does anybody know the names of his Turkmates?

If anybody has suggestions for what quotes to use next let me know?

Read and review! I don't own anybody except for Kira.

**Inappropriate Work Situations Part 3**

Hojo barged into Sephiroth's office and opened his mouth to start his weekly tirade only to be stopped by the silver-haired man's finger as he continued speaking on the phone.

"- I don't care! Find the damn thing and bring it back! It weighs over 2000 pounds! How in Gaia's name do you 'misplace' something that heavy?" Sephiroth slammed the phone down and glared at the doctor, "I don't suppose you know what happened to my helicopter Dr. Hojo?"

"Absolutely not! If anyone you should be asking that First –"

"Zachary Fair, I know. He stole a news chopper not fifteen minutes ago. I'm surprised you haven't heard about _that _yet. This one went missing several hours ago." As a message popped up on his computer his eye drops dropped to just above his eyes, "And now it seems that another just went missing."

"See! How do you know he didn't steal that one as well?" Hojo snapped back at him after a moment of fish-mouthed gaping at Sephiroth's calmness at Zack's helicopter theft.

"Which is 'that one' Doctor? Besides, he's been on a mission almost all day. You obviously haven't been watching the news." Sephiroth sighed, pointing at the TV along the wall opposite the couch.

As Hojo went back to gaping and turned up the volume on the TV to hear it. Sephiroth's phone began to ring with one of those abominable 'pop' tunes the SOLDIERS and secretaries listened to.

"Zack where are you?..Okay I can see you right now on Midgar Nightly News… Yes, yes that helicopter…I don't suppose the actual pilot of the news helicopter is happy about this. No that's Hojo turning up the news…Zack says 'Hello' doctor… No I'm not entirely sure… Hojo what was it you wanted again?" He asked the older man.

Hojo stared at him blankly for a moment then snapped, "Are there any leads on my missing experiment?"

"No there haven't been. He's still looking for that missing experiment…Ah, yes thank you for reminding me. Doctor Hojo, are you sure you don't have any pictures of the experiment? It's hard to look for something when you don't know what it looks like."

"I already told you all the details of it! Now find it!" With that the bespectacled man stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

"Yes he left. No, I don't know where she is. Yes you're still on the news; they've been rerunning the 'exciting' parts alongside the new footage all afternoon. I'm not going to tape it for you. No, they've already shown the car chase part. Zack quit whining, wait, Kira's calling I'll get back to in a minute.

"Hello, Kira. Where are you?…Why?…Ah, I see. You two do your best then. I'm calling Zack back now.

"Zack? Elena borrowed a chopper and Kira to help you and Reno and then to bring the two of you and whatever is making that unholy noise back...I don't care what you told the church…Told the girl, told the church it's all the same to me - That's no excuse. Bring the helicopter back to the news people by nine or you're in the brig."

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Meanwhile in the Turk offices, Tseng was returning from an assignment for the President's son Rufus. As he walked into his office he noticed that his answering machine light was flashing, so before he settled into the office he pressed the playback messages button.

It wasn't the best idea he'd ever had.

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Ah, the entrance of Tseng. Perhaps I should start throwing in Reno more or just give him his own chapter.

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